Holidays with family are stressful.
Whether you celebrate Ramadan, Passover, Christmas, Diwali or anything else, time spent with family over holidays can be difficult and make you feel like a kid again.
So what are we to do?
There are lots of ways to improve your coping strategies, learn better communication skills and find ways to set boundaries. In addition to all of those other strategies and skills, one option to try during holiday celebrations and family visits is curiosity.
Before your family visit, take some time with your therapist or a loved one to think about what is likely to happen when you’re with your family1. What always happens? Who usually says what? What problems do you anticipate? How do you think you will feel? Jot down a list.
Now, at the top of your list, title it “Research Project.” Looking at your list, see if you can come up with some questions you are curious about. For example:
My mother will criticize my appearance.
What feelings come up for me when that happens?
My grandfather will get drunk and make a scene.
What purpose is his alcoholism serving in the family?
I will feel like a failure compared with other people in my family.
How am I using that idea to protect myself when I’m with my family?
People will say offensive things.
If I were going to respond in those moments, what are some options for things I could say or do?
Pick one or more of your research questions to focus on while you are with your family. The idea is for you to be curious and take an opportunity to observe. You are going to be an anthropologist for the particular culture of your family. Ask yourself the questions and see what you discover. When you find yourself in the midst of a difficult interaction with your family, try to pause and take a step back. Say to yourself, “We always do this. What’s up with that? What could I do differently?”
See what data you can gather that will support your own healing after the holiday or family visit is over.
You might want to take a journal with you and write down whatever information you discover. You could end up coming up with more questions than answers, and that is fine.
And when you’re done, come home and talk with your therapist or someone else who supports you. Talk about what you found out in your research. And think about some new research questions you might take with you next time.
- If someone in your family was or is abusive to you, it is more important to do some safety planning for yourself than to engage in curiosity, so do that first [↩]