A colleague recently posed an interesting question as a topic for a blog post: What happens when fear wins?
My answer: if the fearful part of you “wins” and prevents you from doing something, give that part of you a trophy. And then pay attention to the fearful part because that part is probably really exhausted from the fight. Often, that scared part of you is a more child-like part, a younger part, who needs your loving care. Thank that part of you for protecting the rest of you from whatever you were afraid of. Be kind.
And then ask that fearful part of you how you can help in the future so that part doesn’t have to work so hard. Tell that part, “When you decide that something is too scary to do, you are very determined. I argue with you but you often win and then I don’t get to do the thing I wanted to do. So I’m wondering how we can work together. What would help you to do the thing, even though you are scared? We need each other.”
Listen carefully for the scared part’s answer. Think about how you could help.
Every time you avoid doing something that scares you, you avoid that fearful part of yourself. You leave that part alone to cope, like leaving a scared child huddled alone in bed under the covers. And the more you do that, the more alone that scared part feels and the more scared that part gets. The fearful part of you needs care and kindness and support from you.
So the next time you are feeling too scared to do something, check in with that scared part. Instead of berating that part and arguing with it, be kind to it. Be gentle. Tell that part that you want to do the thing together and that you won’t leave the scared part alone. Offer to help in the way the fearful part asked you to. See if you can help each other.
The goal is not to eliminate the scared part of you. It is neither desirable nor possible to eliminate a part of ourselves. The goal is to be kind to all parts of yourself and to work together, in awareness, to have the kind of life you want. The scared part of you wants that connection way more than a trophy for winning the fight with you.